What is interesting is the things we do to increase our awareness. We research it, study it, surround ourselves with people “in the know”, filter out distractions and misinformation. It’s about being more prepared to respond to the signs of opportunity or danger.

For example, my son is learning to walk and I’ve had to do that exercise where you go down to his altitude and be critical about what’s within reach. What most of us don’t know is that it’s equally important to create opportunities through obstacles or challenges (that are safe). I guess the bottom line is that when you know what to look for, it’s pretty easy. When you don’t know and have to acquire that knowledge through experience, it’s quite a tough road.

One thing I’d like to keep at the top of my reminders is that wisdom is organic which means it can grow or die depending on its environment. Plus, I don’t want to be one of those guys that accumulates all this wisdom and fails to apply it. Without a doubt, wisdom is meant to be shared and not hoarded. Now, I’d like to think that my kid will one day knock on my door asking for advice because he knows that I’m not that big of an idiot. But the environment I’d have to foster is one of openness and equality. Because it would be wrong to use wisdom as some sort of relational currency. I should not withhold in an attempt to gain or maintain significance.

The other key ingredient in this safe environment is releasing ownership. For example, when the recipient decides to apply some other advice after hearing my thoughts, I’ve got to let it go. Do whatever I can to avoid foolishly saying, “I told you so.” Furthermore, I also need to be purposeful in receiving as much input into my life as I dish out. This probably follows the theme of humility but I think it’s more about balancing your esteem and self-image.

Everybody has at least one control key in their lives. That’s the button that adds function to something normal. It’s can enhance or distort. For example, the letter “V” on it’s own is relatively harmless but when used in combination with the “Ctrl” key, it manipulates the “V” to become the paste function.

The control key can be all sorts of things like drugs and alcohol. It could be PMS, an anniversary of something great or traumatic, or a sickness like the flu. Sometimes it’s another person in the room influencing your normal behaviour. And what I observe in my life as well as others, women are a huge control key. And not just to men — it’s other women too. The more I wonder why this is the case, I have a feeling that there is some greater truth behind what surrounds women. And all of man’s effort to reduce a woman’s influence seems to really be about bringing men up closer to parity. Hmm…

I have known my wife for over 15 years and sometimes it feels like I’m just beginning to truly understand her. There’s a difference between knowing someone and understanding them. Take for example a piece of music, “Claire de Lune” by the French composer Debussy. Imagine a computer listing all of the notes used in that composition. That’s what I mean by “knowing” someone. Sort of like looking at the sheet music and seeing all of the notes on the pages. When these notes are arranged in a specific order and played on instruments, those musical elements take on added shape and texture. The relationship between the notes gives greater meaning and significance to the musical notations on the page. That’s what I mean by “understanding” someone.

I find it easy to forget that my wife has never been a mother before. She’s never had prior experience as a thirty-something wife and teacher. It’s all on-the-job training and she is doing her best to accumulate the knowledge and skills to be the “Serena” she was created to be.

I remember the first time I saw her in my second year at University. We were both in the education program wanting to be teachers and she stood up to share with the class her favourite book. I remember thinking, “I really want to get to know this girl…” Funny thing is I’m still getting to know her and I really like her.

I finished reading the book “Love Wins” by Rob Bell a couple months ago and there was some section that explored the idea that religion is often sold as the way to avoid hell. Sort of like an insurance policy guaranteeing the aftermath at death. And I’d agree that this emphasis on heaven and paradise isn’t healthy, responsible, accurate or in the bible. If all you cared about was buying and securing your ticket to heaven, then why continue to live on this earth? If your life on earth doesn’t matter compared to the afterlife, then why pay your mortgage or recycle?

My developing theory is that each religion (and even non-religions like atheism) provides a definition of life and death. They all answer life’s FAQs. And each belief system can have more than one sub-system with slightly differing definitions. Factor in your own slant and interpretations, and it’s quite a spectrum. And it’s in this way that I’m more convinced that there are more ways to God (but that’s a not really on this depressing subject of death). In fact I started listening to this guy talk about how Jesus is the only way to God, but there is more than one way to Jesus. Anyways…

Out of this broad spectrum, you can imagine the blending and noise that results. And so to stand out, belief systems pick out core subjects to emphasize the differences (rather than the similarities). So why is death a key issue? Especially considering that I don’t think about death everyday… Can I tell you what I do think about at least once each hour of the day? Love. The people that I love… the things I’d love to do after work… what I love about my car… feeling love for my family… lots more chatter about love than death. Hmm…

What I like to do is take things that are on my mind and dig a little deeper. This whole expression of “driving someone insane” brought up a really interesting point: who is doing the driving? If something is driving me to this town called “crazyville”, when did I get out and hand over the steering wheel to auto-correct? For whatever reason, I am reluctant to quit and experience all of the failure-related feelings.

I think it’s the perception of giving control over to someone or something else is the real problem in our inability (or more-so stubbornness) to let things go. The more that I keep trying to use this crappy keyboard, the more frustrated I get. Why do I keep trying at it if it is causing me to react like an idiot? When something causes me increasing mental stress, wouldn’t the healthy thing be to stop it? Because I am not learning or developing any particular skill at this. The outcome isn’t really going to make me a better person (quite the opposite right now because I’m pretty agitated).

For the things that are out of our control to just stop, I think perseverance is important and it undoubtedly will build on your character. Taking a good look at the things that are in our control to change, why not eliminate or reduce the strain? If the dust bunnies drive you nuts, that’s in your control to pick up a swiffer and eliminate that stress-trigger. If somebody’s chewing annoys you, that’s in your ability to ignore or minimize. When you think about it, you’ve still got the steering wheel for a lot of things that drive you insane. Why not decide to change direction and drive to candyland instead?

The reality is that auto shows are about wanting different but not necessarily more. It shifts your perspective from what is sufficient to what is insufficient. Because what I have now is more than sufficient. But somehow my experience morphs what I see into something that doesn’t meet the bill. My expectations scatter and I begin to see things as not quite fulfilling. Don’t get me started on the beautiful models next to the beautiful models (I’ll give you a couple minutes to sort that out). And by the way, I’m not just talking about the macho man view because from what I saw it goes both ways.

What I found ironic was that on the way home, we got stuck on the highway due to a serious accident between a small car and a tractor trailer. It was a good hour of just waiting for the emergency services to help the victim. I think it was a fitting thing to happen; from the excess of the autoshow to caring about nothing but getting past this traffic accident — what really matters? Here’s what I discovered…

These shows are basically the suffix “-er”. Fast-er, modern-er, comfortable-er, prestigious-er… And we’re all sucked into focusing on the “-er” and mis-defining the stuff before the “-er”. It’s like being able to describe that little bit more that’ll satisfy without assessing your current state. Because chances are things are just fine as they are. Adding anything more pushes things out of balance… and that causes more discontent.

Where do you start off? I don’t think it’s a very useful discussion to examine the origins of shame although the earliest record I could think of was from the whole Adam and Eve story from the Bible. Because of the whole forbidden fruit fiasco, they hid themselves out of fear. To me, I consider this an experience in shame and we see this because of the unknown consequences around the corner. But I realize that I am placing my own interpretation or lens on this story. And this is derived from my own experiences with shame. From what I can remember, when I did something wrong it was really difficult to force out an apology when commanded to by my parents. Shame was directly connected to doing something wrong and the associated consequences.

Therefore, I think it’s safe to conclude that shame is real and exists. It spawns some form of fear which triggers self-protective behavior. Does it have a bigger picture purpose? Is it a genetic thing that we are built with or socially created and conditioned? Can it be eliminated from our future experiences?

The ultimate goal here is to figure out how to deal with shame in a healthy, productive manner. Because it is a certainty. We will experience more than once in life. And I believe we are poorly trained in dealing with a lot of strong emotions. Just like physical trauma, mistreatment leads to impaired function and handicap. Ever wonder why families are dysfunctional? It’s because family members are dysfunctional. Why are people dysfunctional? It’s not because we are born this way. And I don’t buy the argument that dysfunction is the norm even though we all are to varying degrees.

I can understand that there are some cultures and religions that demand a filter or prescribe emotional expressions. But that’s people getting in the way of something we were born to express. Try to keep a smile a smile. As the recipient, don’t think anything more of it. Tell your head to make it simple and innocent. They aren’t trying to manipulate or mock you. And if they are, who cares? Receive it. Enjoy it. Give some back. Easy, quick transaction. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I really appreciate all the work my wife put into this party. She really organized and planned it all. This was one of the first times I kept my meddling hands off and it went great. When I realized what was out of my control and felt thankful for that — “Ah ha.” And it wasn’t because I was relieved I didn’t have to do this or that. It just pointed to a mother who did what she did for her son out of love. I can look at her and acknowledge the source and say thanks.

Ryan received some nice gifts and had a blast with the wrapping paper. We wrote down who gave what. Again, we didn’t tell everybody exactly what to give Ryan and it was just right for him. It’s a good thing to envision the gift-giver and say thanks. Unfortunately, nobody got him his own iPhone or Macbook so we’ll just hope that somebody gets the message next year.

The kicker for me was taking an brief inventory of the people in my son’s life like family and friends. It’s not a simple thing to determine the source of those gifts because I didn’t go to Walmart and buy uncles or parents for Ryan. Even further, I may have provided the sperm and my wife the egg but there’s a lot more to my son that I didn’t give him. I mean, his giggles and cries provide my soul exactly what it needs without my doing anything in advance. And so for these things that I can’t figure out who to give thanks to, I credit God. “Ohh… I get it.” Seriously, I’m a very rational guy with a drive towards logic and reason. There is so much that is out of my control and influence in Ryan’s life that give new meaning to the phrase “God bless you.”

This video I put together a year ago is just us saying over and over agin: “Thanks God.” Enjoy.