knowing and understanding

Today is my wife’s birthday and I don’t understand why people don’t want to know how old you are when you get old. Ideally, it should be something to boast about. I could imagine in biblical times, it was a big deal to make it another year without dying from some sort of plague or genocide. These days, I find that we want to stay young for a long as possible. Getting older is something you cannot avoid, nor should you resist moving forward in your life journey. Yes: be glad that you’ve crossed the finish line of another year on planet earth. And yes:  get ready to step into a year of learning.

I have known my wife for over 15 years and sometimes it feels like I’m just beginning to truly understand her. There’s a difference between knowing someone and understanding them. Take for example a piece of music, “Claire de Lune” by the French composer Debussy. Imagine a computer listing all of the notes used in that composition. That’s what I mean by “knowing” someone. Sort of like looking at the sheet music and seeing all of the notes on the pages. When these notes are arranged in a specific order and played on instruments, those musical elements take on added shape and texture. The relationship between the notes gives greater meaning and significance to the musical notations on the page. That’s what I mean by “understanding” someone.

I find it easy to forget that my wife has never been a mother before. She’s never had prior experience as a thirty-something wife and teacher. It’s all on-the-job training and she is doing her best to accumulate the knowledge and skills to be the “Serena” she was created to be.

I remember the first time I saw her in my second year at University. We were both in the education program wanting to be teachers and she stood up to share with the class her favourite book. I remember thinking, “I really want to get to know this girl…” Funny thing is I’m still getting to know her and I really like her.

avoiding the inevitable

It’s a good thing to think about your death 3 times each year. My motivation has been for financial planning but when that all was settled after my son was born, I’ve been spending more time considering the whole topic of death and what it means to me. It’s difficult to imagine what the days would like for my wife and son after dying. What brings me the most grief is not being there when they need me. I won’t be upset about not seeing more of the world or experiencing the joys of retirement. And I’m not worried about losing all the stuff I’ve accumulated. In fact, I’d want to leave as little as possible for my family to “clean up”.

I finished reading the book “Love Wins” by Rob Bell a couple months ago and there was some section that explored the idea that religion is often sold as the way to avoid hell. Sort of like an insurance policy guaranteeing the aftermath at death. And I’d agree that this emphasis on heaven and paradise isn’t healthy, responsible, accurate or in the bible. If all you cared about was buying and securing your ticket to heaven, then why continue to live on this earth? If your life on earth doesn’t matter compared to the afterlife, then why pay your mortgage or recycle?

My developing theory is that each religion (and even non-religions like atheism) provides a definition of life and death. They all answer life’s FAQs. And each belief system can have more than one sub-system with slightly differing definitions. Factor in your own slant and interpretations, and it’s quite a spectrum. And it’s in this way that I’m more convinced that there are more ways to God (but that’s a not really on this depressing subject of death). In fact I started listening to this guy talk about how Jesus is the only way to God, but there is more than one way to Jesus. Anyways…

Out of this broad spectrum, you can imagine the blending and noise that results. And so to stand out, belief systems pick out core subjects to emphasize the differences (rather than the similarities). So why is death a key issue? Especially considering that I don’t think about death everyday… Can I tell you what I do think about at least once each hour of the day? Love. The people that I love… the things I’d love to do after work… what I love about my car… feeling love for my family… lots more chatter about love than death. Hmm…

driving me insane

I’m on a break right now using my iPhone to blog – I didn’t know there was an app for that until yesterday. The setup was straightforward but I have determined that using the iPhone keyboard is terribly for any type of documentation. Ever read those hilarious emails about the auto-correct feature gone wrong? Yeah… well, this is driving me insane so I’m sure by the time my 15min break is over, I’ll be in a crabby mood for the rest of the day.

What I like to do is take things that are on my mind and dig a little deeper. This whole expression of “driving someone insane” brought up a really interesting point: who is doing the driving? If something is driving me to this town called “crazyville”, when did I get out and hand over the steering wheel to auto-correct? For whatever reason, I am reluctant to quit and experience all of the failure-related feelings.

I think it’s the perception of giving control over to someone or something else is the real problem in our inability (or more-so stubbornness) to let things go. The more that I keep trying to use this crappy keyboard, the more frustrated I get. Why do I keep trying at it if it is causing me to react like an idiot? When something causes me increasing mental stress, wouldn’t the healthy thing be to stop it? Because I am not learning or developing any particular skill at this. The outcome isn’t really going to make me a better person (quite the opposite right now because I’m pretty agitated).

For the things that are out of our control to just stop, I think perseverance is important and it undoubtedly will build on your character. Taking a good look at the things that are in our control to change, why not eliminate or reduce the strain? If the dust bunnies drive you nuts, that’s in your control to pick up a swiffer and eliminate that stress-trigger. If somebody’s chewing annoys you, that’s in your ability to ignore or minimize. When you think about it, you’ve still got the steering wheel for a lot of things that drive you insane. Why not decide to change direction and drive to candyland instead?

want the -er

I took a day off work to go to the North American International Auto Show in Detroit with a couple friends from work earlier this week. This was one of those things you could say is on my “bucket list”. For years I would read about the auto show and look at the cool new cars. So, my expectations were fairly high. Now that I’m back home, I can say that I’m relatively satisfied with the experience. Does it leave me wishing for a couple more zeros on my paycheque? Would I be happier trading in my sedan for something a bit sportier? Do I feel worse about what I drive now?

The reality is that auto shows are about wanting different but not necessarily more. It shifts your perspective from what is sufficient to what is insufficient. Because what I have now is more than sufficient. But somehow my experience morphs what I see into something that doesn’t meet the bill. My expectations scatter and I begin to see things as not quite fulfilling. Don’t get me started on the beautiful models next to the beautiful models (I’ll give you a couple minutes to sort that out). And by the way, I’m not just talking about the macho man view because from what I saw it goes both ways.

What I found ironic was that on the way home, we got stuck on the highway due to a serious accident between a small car and a tractor trailer. It was a good hour of just waiting for the emergency services to help the victim. I think it was a fitting thing to happen; from the excess of the autoshow to caring about nothing but getting past this traffic accident — what really matters? Here’s what I discovered…

These shows are basically the suffix “-er”. Fast-er, modern-er, comfortable-er, prestigious-er… And we’re all sucked into focusing on the “-er” and mis-defining the stuff before the “-er”. It’s like being able to describe that little bit more that’ll satisfy without assessing your current state. Because chances are things are just fine as they are. Adding anything more pushes things out of balance… and that causes more discontent.

looking at shame

I received a note from a counselor asking about the material I blog about, specifically on the topic of shame. To set the record straight, I went to University to study Geography. No formal training here although I like to tap into the brains of some of my therapist/psychologist/social working friends. The topic of shame has had my mind going into overdrive for the past few months and I haven’t been able to get my thoughts written. The next few posts will be more of a brain dump to help make sense of things.

Where do you start off? I don’t think it’s a very useful discussion to examine the origins of shame although the earliest record I could think of was from the whole Adam and Eve story from the Bible. Because of the whole forbidden fruit fiasco, they hid themselves out of fear. To me, I consider this an experience in shame and we see this because of the unknown consequences around the corner. But I realize that I am placing my own interpretation or lens on this story. And this is derived from my own experiences with shame. From what I can remember, when I did something wrong it was really difficult to force out an apology when commanded to by my parents. Shame was directly connected to doing something wrong and the associated consequences.

Therefore, I think it’s safe to conclude that shame is real and exists. It spawns some form of fear which triggers self-protective behavior. Does it have a bigger picture purpose? Is it a genetic thing that we are built with or socially created and conditioned? Can it be eliminated from our future experiences?

The ultimate goal here is to figure out how to deal with shame in a healthy, productive manner. Because it is a certainty. We will experience more than once in life. And I believe we are poorly trained in dealing with a lot of strong emotions. Just like physical trauma, mistreatment leads to impaired function and handicap. Ever wonder why families are dysfunctional? It’s because family members are dysfunctional. Why are people dysfunctional? It’s not because we are born this way. And I don’t buy the argument that dysfunction is the norm even though we all are to varying degrees.

talking with smiles

I wish people smiled more. While I do acknowledge these are difficult economic times and life isn’t always a chocolate cupcake, it’s a big problem if you can’t find something to smile about. People like me who don’t have the best dental work have learned to shy away from smiling because sometimes it scares people away. But a smile is genetically programmed into us. It is part of the fabric that makes us human beings. It’s one of the most simple expressions of emotion we don’t have to take a class on. Although, I think most of us need a refresher course on how and when to let a smile or two loose. I am guilty of controlling my smiles. For the life of me, I can’t remember when I conditioned myself to hold back smiles. Why in the world would I have wanted to hide my happy reactions?

I can understand that there are some cultures and religions that demand a filter or prescribe emotional expressions. But that’s people getting in the way of something we were born to express. Try to keep a smile a smile. As the recipient, don’t think anything more of it. Tell your head to make it simple and innocent. They aren’t trying to manipulate or mock you. And if they are, who cares? Receive it. Enjoy it. Give some back. Easy, quick transaction. Nothing more. Nothing less.

thank you ryan

Yesterday, my wife planned a fantastic birthday party for Ryan. We had it at this indoor activity centre and wanted the kids to have a blast (and they did from what I could see). To be honest, it was stressful for me. It was a cold day, there were lots of people and plenty of things going on. As the party drew closer to a close, I began to relax more and started thanking people for coming. Then I had this brief moment of peace and right after that an “ah ha, I get it” thing. You know when you’re working on a puzzle and get all frustrated and then you put it down on a table, sit back and look at it, and then see something and go “ohhhh… now I get it”.

I really appreciate all the work my wife put into this party. She really organized and planned it all. This was one of the first times I kept my meddling hands off and it went great. When I realized what was out of my control and felt thankful for that — “Ah ha.” And it wasn’t because I was relieved I didn’t have to do this or that. It just pointed to a mother who did what she did for her son out of love. I can look at her and acknowledge the source and say thanks.

Ryan received some nice gifts and had a blast with the wrapping paper. We wrote down who gave what. Again, we didn’t tell everybody exactly what to give Ryan and it was just right for him. It’s a good thing to envision the gift-giver and say thanks. Unfortunately, nobody got him his own iPhone or Macbook so we’ll just hope that somebody gets the message next year.

The kicker for me was taking an brief inventory of the people in my son’s life like family and friends. It’s not a simple thing to determine the source of those gifts because I didn’t go to Walmart and buy uncles or parents for Ryan. Even further, I may have provided the sperm and my wife the egg but there’s a lot more to my son that I didn’t give him. I mean, his giggles and cries provide my soul exactly what it needs without my doing anything in advance. And so for these things that I can’t figure out who to give thanks to, I credit God. “Ohh… I get it.” Seriously, I’m a very rational guy with a drive towards logic and reason. There is so much that is out of my control and influence in Ryan’s life that give new meaning to the phrase “God bless you.”

This video I put together a year ago is just us saying over and over agin: “Thanks God.” Enjoy.

 

he’s already one

One year seems like a long time but it really isn’t. I spent this morning skimming through the thousands of photos of my son from the past year and I can’t get over how “normal” this all feels. As a new parent, I have learned a whole bunch of stuff and made plenty of mistakes. For someone like me, acquiring a new skill and approach doesn’t come easy. But I think I’ve discovered the secret to making this whole “learning something new” really simple.

I think we ourselves place a lot of pressure on avoiding mistakes. It’s not a bad thing because sometimes errors create more work. Mistakes can be embarrassing and costly, so it’s no surprise why we try to get it right the first time. I now believe that this line of thinking isn’t true. Because if you get it right after the first attempt, there’s shouldn’t be any reason why you can’t get it perfect on subsequent attempts. In fact, how do you even know you got it right without some sort of evaluation? You could be misinformed as to what the end result looks like.

There is a lot of pressure for us new parents to get it right every time because there’s a new life at stake. My mistakes could have an impact that lasts my son’s entire lifetime. Get it wrong and the consequences are lasting. For me, being slightly OCD, I thought I had perform my duties with perfection so that my son would have the perfect platform to grow up on. Well, it actually isn’t such a good thing after all. And the best example to prove this is how he is learning to walk. What I didn’t realize is that he is acquiring multiple skills simultaneously and each component is connected to successes and failures. For example, while learning to take a step he is also learning how to fall and how to get up and how to turn around. Furthermore, he is also discovering the physical sensation of pain and muscle strain. And there has to be some emotional components like excitement and frustration. All of this is happening at the same time. It is impossible for me to prepare the platform for all of those skills — and that’s the way it is meant to be. The design works and it’s amazing.

Keep that in mind the next time you try to get something perfect the first time.

learning to play

Ever get a lesson on how to play? I’ve blogged about taking time to just play and caught myself the other day in a fog as to what to do for playtime. Seriously. My favourite toys growing up were Lego and Transformers. These types of toys had rules to follow (and then eventually break) and I cannot remember receiving much guidance from my parents on what to do. It seems like I just played like it was genetically programmed. Now as an adult, I think some sort of virus has corrupted the play program (I believe the name for that virus is “humiliation”). For decades, I’ve used my imagination for future planning: graduate, find wife, buy house, make babies, retire, and die. So, it’s been a very long time since that brain has been engaged in playing. Sure, I have video games but they all do the imaging (and imagining) for me.

My advice to you is to go and buy a toy and play with it for about an hour. I recommend Lego but throw out the instructions and just build whatever comes to mind. What I do is build something tall. Forget about colour coordination and ignore everybody else’s opinion about you. Don’t worry about the mortgage or email or the clock. What you’ll find is that it’s pretty difficult to just play. It’s strange to try and make up rules as you go along.

I heard on the news the other day that playing is a very effective way to exercise the brain in order to reduce memory fatigue. It has to be a great way to reduce stress and strengthen creative problem solving. No matter how old you are, I think it’s time for a play date. I had the chance to play with this centrifugal paint toy over the holidays and it was a lot of fun.

 

back from raycation

When I started my vacation from work back in the middle of December, I decided to take a vacation from all things routine. Isn’t that really how the word ‘vacation’ is defined? It’s a temporary break from the norm that should give the mind and body what it needs to sustain the everyday grind. As much as I look forward to the time away from work, I keep thinking that eventually I have to return to catch up. Late last night, I checked into my email to find only 136 email messages – not bad. The anticipation of what’s waiting for you at your desk is one of the worst things to mull over while on vacation. But I did it a few times. In fact, I had a few mornings where I didn’t know what day it was and sort of panicked that I was going to be late for work.

And so, I’ll continue my blogging about stuff that’s on my mind. Over the past couple months, I’ve been redefining a lot of things in the relationship category. Considering that my life has shifting a few gears with the addition to the family, I’d say redefining things was very necessary. And I think this isn’t something that you do for every life event because maturing means changing. If you think you have a handle on how to make your partner happy, you’re already falling behind. Don’t fool yourself into the thinking that tries to put a period where there’s supposed to be an ellipsis (google it). Relationships by their design aren’t static and continually morph cyclically for most of us. Have I wanted to take a vacation from thinking about the things in life? Yup. Am I about to take another stab at refocusing and realigning? Yup. Here’s a simple one to start off with.

I made a turkey last month and it was slightly undercooked by yummy. Fortunately, nobody had explosive diarrhoea or projectile vomiting. I’ve prepared better turkeys in the past and so I thought this one should be better. The thing to take another look at in life is iteration. Think of something that you are trying to get good at whether it be some work-related skill or hobby or sex (I had to throw in that last one because someone tweeted about it and I laughed while in line at Walmart). Each iteration of practise is aiming for somewhere in the realm of perfection. But that doesn’t mean that each attempt is better than the previous. In fact, it’s a sign of your humanity when you repeat failures or have a few runs going backwards. You’ve probably heard it before and I know its worth mentioning: keep trying.